Are computers male or female?

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"

The teacher wasn't certain which it was,and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval...
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories.

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Things to Never Say to a Woman During an Argument : xD

* Whoa, time out. Football is on.

* Sorry. I was just picturing you naked.

* Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?

* Don't you have some laundry to do or something?

* You are so cute when you get mad.

* You're just upset because your bottom is beginning to spread.

* Wait a minute - I get it. What time of the month is it?

* You sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one?

* Looks like someone had an extra bowl of b**ch flakes this morning!

* Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded

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Top 10 Signs You Bought a Bad Computer

10. Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.

9. Its celebrity spokesman is Red Green.

8. You need jumper cables and a friend's car to start it.

7. Its slogan is "Pentium: Redefining Mathematics".

6. The Quick Reference Guide is written on a napkin.

5. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.

4. The screen frequently displays the message, "Is it time for a break yet?"

3. Tech support advises you to have a fire extinguisher ready before you power up.

2. The only chips inside are Doritos.

1. There is no manual, only a hand written note saying "Good Luck".

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no wonder english is hard to learn

1. We polish the Polish furniture.
2. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
3. A farm can produce produce.
4. The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse.
5. The soldier decided to desert in the desert.
6. The present is a good time to present the present.
7. At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
8. The dove dove into the bushes.
9. I did not object to the object.
10. The insurance for the invalid was invalid.
11. The bandage was wound around the wound.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15. They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18. After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
19. I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes.
20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
22. I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt

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Math Lesson

A husband worte the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:

"To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset. I shall be back home before midnight"

When the man came home late that night he found the following letter on the dining room table:

"To My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for you honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a mathematics professor at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Ritz Carlton with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary is 18 years old. As a succesful businessman with an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference; 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore I will not be home until sometime tomorrow."

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Do you know WHO I am?

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 700 students in the class! The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. A half hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.
"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.

"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing.

After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. A half hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late."

The student looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know WHO I am?"

"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.

"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" the student asked again.

"No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.

"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room

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Specimen Cup

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

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33 Reasons - Why It Is Good To Be A Man?

1. Your *arse* is never a factor in a job interview.
2. Your orgasms are real. Always.
3. Your last name stays put.
4. The garage is all yours.
5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
8. You don't give a rat's *arse* if someone notices your new haircut.
9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
10. Same work .. more pay.
11. Wrinkles-add character.
12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
15. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
17. One mood, ALL the damn time.
18. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.
19. A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.
20. You can open all your own jars.
26. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me.".
27. No maxi-pads.
28. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
29. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
30. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
31. You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes.
32. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
33. Your belly usually hides your big hips.

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Hey, Hey ,Hey!

On December 24th at eleven o' clock p.m., a girl with a bathrobe on and a bikini underneath it comes downstairs to find Santa delivering presents to her and her family. Santa looks at her.

The Girl: "Santa, will you please stay?"

Santa: "Ho, ho, ho. Gotta go, gotta go. Gotta deliver all the presents before it snows."

The girl takes off her bathrobe.

The Girl: "Oh, Santa will you please stay?"

Santa: "Ho, ho, ho. Gotta go, gotta go. Gotta deliver all the presents before it snows."

The girl takes off the top part of the bikini.

The Girl: "Santa, please?"

Santa: "Ho, ho, ho. Gotta go, gotta go. Gotta deliver all the presents before it snows."

The girl takes off the bottom part of the bikini.

The Girl: Oh, Santa, please?"

Santa: Hey, hey, hey. Gotta stay, gotta stay. Can't get up the chimney with this pricker in the way!"

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Read Real Slow....

A Blonde And A Brunette Are Running A Ranch Together In Louisiana. They decide they need a bull to mate with their cows to increase their herd. The brunette takes their life savings of $600 dollars and goes to Texas to buy a bull. She eventually meets with an old cowboy that will sell her a bull. "It's the only one I've got for $599, take it or leave it." She buys the bull and goes to the local telegram office and says, "I'd like to send a telegram to my friend in Louisiana that says: Have found the stud bull for our ranch, bring the trailer."

The man behind the counter tells her, "Telegrams to anywhere in the U.S. are $.75 per word."

She thinks about it for a moment and decides. "I'd like to send one word, please."

"And what word would that be?" inquires the man.

"Comfortable." replies the brunette.

The man asks, "I'm sorry miss, but how is your friend gonna understand this telegram?"

The brunette replies, "My friend is blonde and reads REAL slow..."

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Rail-way girl...

A railway inspector and his friend in a bar chating...
Friend: Why have you got that big smile on your face.
Railway inspector: I just had the best sex of my life!
Friend:with who?
Railway inspector: With this girl I found on the railway tracks.
Friend: Oh yeah! What did she look like?
Railway inspector: She had the most amazing body!
Friend: Oh yeah! But what did she look like?
Railway inspector: She had the most amazing legs!
Friend: But what did she look like?
Railway inspector: She had perfect breasts!
Friend: Yeah but what did she look like!
Railway inspector: Don't know never found the head.

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Signs Your Dog Is More Intelligent Than You

10. Neighbors complain about loud music and howling coming from your apartment in the middle of the day.

9. You find mysterious sculpture of a human (who looks strikingly like you) on a leash in your living room.

8. Ice floating in toilet water.

7. Neighborhood cats bring dog treats to your doorstep.

6. Friends swear they've seen your car at the local meat-processing plant.

5. You can never find the leftovers.

4. The remote is covered with slobber, and the TV was left on The Nature Channel.

3. The dog doesn't lick itself anymore... now it's the cat's job.

2. Mensa mailings addressed to "Rover."

1. Your apartment keys no longer work.

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What's what??

A taxi driver was driving along when a nun stuck her thumb out, so he pulled over. The nun got into the car, and the driver started driving along.
As he was driving along, they got to chatting, and the driver said, "My names Patrick and I'm a Catholic".
Then the nun said, "My name's Sister Mary, and I work in the local nunery".
They carried on talking, and the driver suddenly said, "Forgive me, Sister. But I have always wondered what it's like to kiss a nun".
The nun thought long and hard, and was thinking, well, he is a nice lad. So she said, "Alright then, Patrick".
So he pulled over and they shared a long meaningful kiss.
Then the driver started driving along again, and all of a sudden, he burst out crying. The nun said, "Whatever is the matter??"
He replied, "I lied to you. My name is not Patrick, it's Samuel, and I'm not a Catholic, I'm Jewish".
Then the nun started crying too, and she said, "I have a confession too. My names not Sister Mary and I don't work in the local nunery, my name's Kevin, and I'm on my way to a fancy dress party".

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